I am so freaking sorry Pam. I really am. I know that's hard to convey but I am. Unfortunately, I can give you that answer. Hopefully, it'll help. We are very foolish for this, actually.

Bullies zoom on who they THINK is weak. Also jealousy has EVERYTHING to do with it. Pay attention to that one.

This is why I encourage people to tell me to shut the fuck up be BLUNT.

It feels like shit to admit it but even as aware as I am trying to be I still get these weird angry urges to say something mean if someone says something that calls me out and I'm either tired or haven't smoked w**d.

And I swear to you I DON'T WANT TO. It can feel like you're a puppet. It's scary.

This isn't an excuse at all but mental health has a lot to do with it. I get jealous, too. I was jealous of Meghan.

I can shut it down much better now I'm getting good but it's been literally ten years and I'm still not perfect. When I get that way I try so hard to take my cannabis and get away. I'm learning everyday I promise you and I'm doing so much better it's a me problem. I don't think it'll ever go away.

But this is my point: Shut them DOWN. Don't be afraid. And you didn't know that as a child. I had bullies, too, though that's not an excuse. Then I became popular in theater and got this ego that comes out it's ridiculous. This is why I bullied Meghan because I "thought" I had this power over her cause I was a performer which is so stupid because she had it over me.

My twin tells me to snap me out of it "you're not Britney Spears" and it helps sooo much.

Call them out. But sometimes it agitate so also be careful.